Understanding PDA From A Professional Mom
Kathryn Willis, Mom
In a world where parenting and education often revolve around compliance and performance, one family’s story offers a radically different—and deeply human—perspective. In this two-part episode of Therapy Unmasked, we’re introduced to Kathryn and her teen, Kai, who share their raw, courageous journey through autism, ADHD, and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). What emerges is not just a story of struggle, but of deep transformation—for both parent and child.
Understanding PDA: Beyond the Labels
For years, Kai’s behaviors were misunderstood. Like many neurodivergent kids, they were labeled with terms like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), which only fueled shame and frustration. But none of those diagnoses fully explained what Kathryn was witnessing at home: a child in distress, not defiance. It wasn’t until Kathryn came across the concept of PDA—a profile within the autism spectrum characterized by an intense need to resist everyday demands—that the pieces started to fall into place. In PDA, the nervous system perceives many ordinary expectations as threats, triggering a fight-or-flight response that looks like defiance, but is actually self-protection.
Parenting Differently: Letting Go of Control
This realization required Kathryn to completely reframe her approach to parenting. Traditional methods like rewards, punishments, or rigid schedules weren’t just ineffective—they were damaging. Instead, Kathryn chose to prioritize connection, safety, and autonomy. She learned to co-regulate with Kai, support their sensory needs, and offer choices rather than commands. It wasn’t about permissiveness, but about building trust and creating a felt sense of safety—conditions where real growth could begin.
Radical Trust, Real Change
Perhaps the most powerful part of their story is Kathryn’s decision to pull Kai out of school. This wasn’t about giving up; it was about recognizing that a demand-heavy, overstimulating environment was harming Kai’s mental health. Through a process of de-schooling, Kai began to heal and rediscover their natural curiosity and creativity. By removing the pressure to perform and focusing instead on relationship and regulation, Kathryn gave Kai the space to become who they are. Their story challenges all of us—parents, educators, and therapists alike—to ask not, “How do I get this child to comply?” but, “What does this child need to feel safe, seen, and supported?”